If you are dismissing your critics with labels they would not assign to themselves, you might be engaged in loserthink. If you call people who want everyone to have good healthcare a bunch of socialists, or you call people who want strong immigration control racists, you are not part of the rational debate. People who have good arguments use them. People who do not have good arguments try to win by labeling. #51 | | |
If your criticism depends on assigning labels instead of cause-and-effect reasoning, you are engaged in loserthink. #52 | | |
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Occam’s razor is the idea that the simplest explanation of events is usually the right one. The problem with that line of thinking is that it is complete nonsense, and people who have training in the field of psychology can see the problem right away. In a scientific setting, the simplest explanation that fits the facts is generally preferred. But in the messier nonscientific world, we all think our explanations of the world are the simplest ones. #54 | | |
CREATIONIST: God created everything. Simple! #55 | | |
SCIENTIST: Evolution created everything. Simple! #56 | | |
Occam’s razor, as it is typically used in debate, is an example of backward thinking. We think we come to our opinions by looking at the various competing explanations and picking the simplest one that fits the data. Sometimes I suppose that is exactly what happens, especially in uncomplicated situations. But for any complicated or “big” question, it is just as likely, if not more, that we arrive at our opinions by some combination of irrational influences and then defend our position by declaring it to be the simplest explanation. #57 | | |
Occam’s razor reminds me of someone trying to throw an anvil at an enemy. If you could lift an anvil and throw it a mile, it would be a powerful weapon. But you can’t, so it isn’t. Similarly, if people could accurately deduce which of several competing explanations is the simplest one, Occam’s razor would mean something. But we can’t. So it doesn’t. #58 | | |
In science, the simplest explanation that fits the facts is preferred. In life, we are all under the illusion that our explanations of things are the simplest ones. #59 | | |
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In the field of psychology there is a phenomenon called projection. The simple description of projection is that people accuse others of having the flaws the accuser possesses and the target might not. For example, a liar might accuse an honest person of being a liar, and might actually believe it. Or a thief might accuse others of stealing—that sort of thing. #61 | | |
My view on projection is that a professional with a background and education in psychology, who has spent time with a particular client, might be capable of diagnosing projection. And it makes sense that a liar would have a filter on the world in which everyone else is lying too. So I do think projection is a real thing, and I assume professionals can identify it in individuals more often than chance would suggest. The problem occurs when people on social media who are neither mental health professionals nor personally familiar with the target of their comments diagnose strangers as experiencing projection. That’s closer to loserthink than science. #62 | | |
I don’t believe the average person can tell the difference between an opinion based on observation and something we would properly label projection. If I accuse you of being a liar, it might be because I’m a liar who is projecting, but it could easily be that I’m right and I have caught you in more than one lie. Those situations look the same, and realistically we’re usually not in a position to do fact-checking. Humans aren’t good fact-checkers. As evidence of that claim, see every discussion of politics ever. #63 | | |
No matter the topic, all sides typically believe they have the right facts and the other side is delusional. No matter which side is right on any given topic, the one thing we know for sure is that being right and being wrong feel exactly the same to all of us. We can’t tell the difference. If we could, everyone would agree on everything important. #64 | | |
In the exchange below, Rob Reiner makes some claims about the president’s character, and we see a commenter label it as projection. It would be more accurate to say Reiner is engaged in the mind reader form of loserthink in which he apparently believes he can deduce the inner thoughts of a stranger. We have no expertise to diagnose him as projecting. #65 | | |
Psychological projection is a real phenomenon, but if you think untrained people can identify it in strangers, you might be experiencing loserthink. #66 | | |
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There are two ways to look at the thing we call ego. One of those ways is extraordinarily useful. The other way is loserthink. And by that I mean it almost guarantees you will be unsuccessful in your career and your personal life. #68 | | |
The productive way to think of your ego is to consider it a tool, as opposed to a reflection of who you are on some core level. If you think your ego is a tool, you can choose to dial it up when needed and dial it down when it would be an obstacle. #69 | | |
When we humans hold a higher opinion of our abilities than the facts warrant, that mindset can lead to better results in sports, test taking, romance, our social lives, careers, and more. That’s because confidence is strongly correlated with success. The sweet spot for self-confidence involves operating with a belief that you can do more than the available evidence suggests, but not so much more that it would be crazy. #70 | | |
For example, I wouldn’t let my ego tell me I could someday play in the NBA. That’s crazy. But I might allow my ego to tell me I could become rich enough to own an NBA team. That outcome is highly unlikely too, but not full-tilt crazy, given that I am ambitious by nature and already mildly wealthy. In this example, my confidence that I can beat the odds might help motivate me in that direction in a productive way. #71 | | |
A smaller example involves talking yourself into believing you are the best applicant for a job that many others are trying to get. That belief can come across as confidence, which is a good state of mind to take into a job interview. Confident people perform better under stress. But you don’t want to crank up your ego too much because then you would come across as arrogant. Lying to yourself a little bit—to boost your ego—can be productive. But don’t overdo it. #72 | | |
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When I need to dial up my ego, I remind myself that the people I am about to deal with are a lot like me, in the sense that they too are only pretending to be confident and capable. The world is not a fair place, and there is a good chance the people you are dealing with did not get to where they are because of their intelligence, hard work, and character. As you gain experience in life, that truth becomes more obvious. We’re all putting on an act and hoping the audience buys it. Your act might be somewhat close to your true nature, or it might not be. But it is an act nonetheless. Once you embrace the reality that we all present the “enhanced” versions of our real selves, all the time, you can relax a bit and get into character. It is frightening to believe you are the pretender in a room full of confident professionals. Luckily, that is rarely a description of reality. The common situation—and the one you should treat as true—is that we are deeply flawed humans pretending to be otherwise. You aren’t the one defective person in the room. Ever. #74 | | |
I find it is also helpful to do self-talk along the lines of “I’m good at this,” even if you don’t quite believe it on a rational level. This is part of the useful process of faking it until it becomes real. You can literally talk yourself into being more confident by repetition alone. #75 | | |
Breathing and body posture are also huge variables in controlling your confidence in a given situation. Learn how to breathe properly, inhaling through your nose, exhaling through your mouth, and lowering your diaphragm when you inhale, as opposed to shallow breathing in your chest. Practice proper breathing techniques regularly, especially before going into a tense situation. #76 | | |
Your body language will also influence your ego and confidence. Keep your posture straight and your body “open” as opposed to crossing your legs and arms. Take up as much space in the room as you comfortably can, including speaking with your hands. This signals to others that you are confident, but it also has the benefit of triggering you to be more confident because your mind associates open posture with confidence. It’s a two-way effect. You can test this on your own by seeing how you feel with crossed arms and a hunched back. Then do the opposite, opening up your arms, straightening your back, and breathing properly. You can feel the difference immediately. #77 | | |
If you are not an extrovert by nature, personal interactions can be awkward, and that can dampen your confidence. The best and easiest defense is to have some questions prepared to fill any gaps. This is especially true for job interviews. Asking smart questions will make you look like a star compared to anyone who simply responds to questions. When you become a good question-asker, you look like the most confident person in the room, and your questions give you a sense of control over the situation, which is good for your confidence. #78 | | |
Learn to make eye contact and to smile. And learn to give a confident handshake. If you do those three things, almost everyone with whom you interact will form a good first impression of you as a confident person. First impressions are sticky. And when people see you as confident, they will treat you as if you are, which reinforces your actual confidence. #79 | | |
Another good trick involves thinking about the things you are good at, to remind yourself of your talents and determination. If you aren’t good at anything in particular, try to fix that situation. Find a sport, hobby, or other activity you can practice until you are good at it. Being good at anything makes you more confident in unrelated things. Once you experience being a beginner at something and then improving, you start to see every skill that you don’t already have as something you can acquire. #80 | | |
I also recommend regular exercise as a way to drain off your extra energy and keep your nerves in check. Your fitness level will also directly influence your sense of confidence. If you are fit, you will look more attractive, and that will make you feel more confident in any situation. #81 | | |
When you are fit, you will feel more confident in any situation. #82 | | |
For your convenience, I summarize these techniques here. #83 | | |
Tell yourself, “I’m good at this” #84 | | |
Learn to breathe properly #85 | | |
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Manage your body language #87 | | |
If you are an introvert, keep some questions in your back pocket so you can guide conversations and always have something to say #88 | | |
Make a good first impression with a solid handshake and eye contact #89 | | |
Remind yourself of the skills you are good at #90 | | |
Exercise regularly to drain off nervous energy #91 | | |
I’m a seasoned media professional, having done many hundreds of interviews. I’ve given speeches to hundreds of packed venues and navigated all manner of business and social situations. I still practice the methods I described above before I enter any new situation. Managing your ego and your confidence is a lifelong system. #92 | | |
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Life will serve up a variety of situations in which you might want to dial down your ego. For example, when you find yourself in a disagreement at work or in your social life, it can be helpful to remind yourself that the other person might be right this time. This is one of the reasons I recommend keeping track of how often you have been certain about something and later learned you were dead wrong. For example, if you believe a political situation will unfold in a certain way, make a specific prediction and write it in a diary, share it on social media, or tell a loved one who is likely to later remind you if you are wrong. The important thing here is to commit to predictions based on your worldview and make a big deal about them so they are harder to forget. Put your predictions into the world outside your head so you have a chance of checking them later without the problem of selective memory. #94 | | |
If you are like most people, you will learn your track record of predicting the future is worse than you imagine. That sort of humility is essential for breaking out of your mental prison. Keep a few examples of your wrongness fresh in your memory so you can generate the right level of humility about your omniscience in future situations. #95 | | |
Don’t think of your past mistakes as flaws when you can as easily reframe them as learning experiences, because they are. Once you can embrace the educational value that comes with being wrong, you will find it easier to think, “But I might be wrong this time,” in any given situation. #96 | | |
There will be occasions in which you want to dial down your ego to avoid looking like a jerk. For example, sometimes you might need to pretend in front of others that you have some doubts about your opinion, even if you don’t. The alternative would be to look like an arrogant know-it-all. Don’t hesitate to fake humility when the situation calls for it. But don’t overdo it. On the whole, people prefer confident people. #97 | | |
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A PERSON WHO considers ego a reflection of self, instead of a tool that one can dial up or down as needed, has fewer pathways to success. Imagine a potential boss asking if you would be willing to start in a position that is below your current job status but has more potential for growth if you perform well. The person who sees ego as who they are will reject an offer that feels insulting. The person who sees ego as a tool might take that job and have confidence it will lead to something far better. #99 | | |
I use that example because I once let my ego be my guide in declining a job offer from a top executive at a bank where I once worked. The job offer was to be a “gofer” (an unimportant assistant) to the executive. It would have been a step down, ego-wise, compared to the job I had managing a small workgroup. My coworker who later accepted that job made important contacts in the executive offices and soon became one of the youngest vice presidents the bank ever produced. That would have been my career path had my ego not gotten in my way. #100 | | |
