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WHEN MY DAD HAS A day off, he cooks Korean food. It’s not exactly authentic, and sometimes he just goes to the Korean market and buys ready-made side dishes and marinated meat, but sometimes he’ll call our grandma for a recipe and he’ll try. That’s the thing: Daddy tries. He doesn’t say so, but I know it’s because he doesn’t want us to lose our connection to our Korean side, and food is the only way he knows how to contribute. After Mommy died, he used to try to make us have play dates with other Korean kids, but it always felt awkward and forced. Except I did have a crush on Edward Kim for a minute there. Thank God the crush never escalated into full-on love—or else I’d have written him a letter too, and that’d be just one more person I’d have to avoid. #2 в контекст | | |
My dad’s made bo ssam, which is pork shoulder you slice up and then wrap in lettuce. He brined it last night in sugar and salt and it’s been roasting in the oven all day. Kitty and I keep checking on it; it smells so good. #3 в контекст | | |
When it’s finally time to eat, my dad has everything laid out on the dining room table so pretty. A silver bowl of butter-lettuce leaves, just washed, with the water beads still clinging to the surface; a cut-glass bowl of kimchi he bought from Whole Foods; a little bowl of pepper paste; soy sauce with scallions and ginger. #4 в контекст | | |
My dad’s taking arty pictures of the table. “I’m sending a pic to Margot so she can see,” he says. #5 в контекст | | |
“What time is it over there?” I ask him. It’s a cozy day: it’s nearly six o’clock, and I’m still in my pj’s. I’m hugging my knees to me, sitting in the big dining-room chair with the armrests. #6 в контекст | | |
“It’s eleven. I’m sure she’s still up,” my dad says, snapping away. “Why don’t you invite Josh over? We’re going to need help finishing all this food.” #7 в контекст | | |
“He’s probably busy,” I say quickly. I still haven’t figured out what I’m going to say to him about me and Peter, much less me and him. #8 в контекст | | |
“Just try him. He loves Korean food.” Daddy moves the pork shoulder so it’s more centered. “Hurry, before my bo ssam gets cold!” #9 в контекст | | |
I pretend to text him on my phone. I feel a tiny bit guilty for lying, but Daddy would understand if he knew all the facts. #10 в контекст | | |
“I don’t understand why you kids text when you could just call. You’d get an answer right away instead of waiting for one.” #11 в контекст | | |
“You’re so old, Daddy,” I say. I look down at my phone. “Josh can’t come over. Let’s just eat. Kitty! Dinner bell!” #12 в контекст | | |
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“Well, maybe he’ll come over later and take some leftovers,” Daddy says. #14 в контекст | | |
“Daddy, Josh has his own life now. Why would he come over when Margot’s not here? Besides, they’re not even together anymore, remember?” #15 в контекст | | |
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I guess Margot didn’t tell him after all. Though you’d have thought he could have sussed it out for himself when Josh didn’t come with us to the airport to drop Margot off. Why don’t dads know anything? Does he not have eyes and ears? “No, they’re not. And by the way, Margot is at college in Scotland. And my name is Lara Jean.” #17 в контекст | | |
“All right, all right, your dad is clueless,” Daddy says. “I get it. No need to rub it in.” He scratches his chin. “Geez, I could have sworn Margot never mentioned anything. . . .” #18 в контекст | | |
Kitty comes crashing into the dining room. “Yum yum yum.” She slams into her chair and starts spearing pork onto her plate. #19 в контекст | | |
“Kitty, we have to pray first,” my dad says, settling into his chair. #20 в контекст | | |
We only ever pray before we eat when we eat in the dining room, and we only ever eat in the dining room when Daddy cooks Korean or on Thanksgiving or Christmas. Mommy used to take us to church when we were little, and after she died, Daddy tried to keep it going, but he has Sunday shifts sometimes and it became less and less. #21 в контекст | | |
“Thank you, God, for this food you have blessed us with. Thank you for my beautiful daughters, and please watch over our Margot. In Jesus’s name we pray, amen.” #22 в контекст | | |
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“Looks pretty great, right, girls?” My dad is grinning as he assembles a lettuce leaf with pork and rice and kimchi. “Kitty, you know how to do it, right? It’s like a little taco.” #24 в контекст | | |
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I make my own lettuce-leaf taco and nearly spit it out. The pork is really really salty. So salty I could cry. But I keep chewing, and across the table Kitty’s making a horrible face at me, but I give her a shush look. Daddy hasn’t tried his yet; he’s taking a picture of his plate. #26 в контекст | | |
“So good, Daddy,” I say. “It tastes like at the restaurant.” #27 в контекст | | |
“Thanks, Lara Jean. It came out just like the picture. I can’t believe how beautiful and crispy the top looks.” My dad finally takes a bite, and then he frowns. “Is this salty to you?” #28 в контекст | | |
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He takes another bite. “This tastes really salty to me. Kitty, what do you think?” #30 в контекст | | |
Kitty’s chugging water. “No, it tastes good, Daddy.” #31 в контекст | | |
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“Hmm, no, it definitely tastes salty.” He swallows. “I followed the recipe exactly . . . maybe I used the wrong kind of salt for the brine? Lara Jean, taste it again.” #33 в контекст | | |
I take a teeny-tiny bite, which I try to hide by putting the lettuce in front of my face. “Mmm.” #34 в контекст | | |
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My phone buzzes on the table. It’s a text from Josh. Was coming back from a run and saw the light on in the dining room. A totally normal text, as if yesterday never happened. #36 в контекст | | |
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Josh has some sixth sense of when my dad’s cooking Korean food, because he’ll come sniffing around right when we’re sitting down to eat. He loves Korean food. When my grandma comes to visit, he won’t leave her side. He’ll even watch Korean dramas with her. She cuts him pieces of apple and peels clementines for him like he’s a baby. My grandma likes boys better than girls. #38 в контекст | | |
Now that I think of it, all the women in my family really do love Josh. Except for Mommy, who never got to meet him. But I’m sure she’d love him too. She’d love anyone who’s as good to Margot as Josh is, was, to her. #39 в контекст | | |
Kitty cranes her neck to look over my shoulder. “Is that Josh? Is he coming over?” #40 в контекст | | |
“No!” I set down my phone and it buzzes again. Can I come over? #41 в контекст | | |
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My dad perks up. “Tell him to come over! I want to get his opinion on this bo ssam.” #43 в контекст | | |
“Listen, everyone in this family needs to accept that Josh is no longer a part of it. He and Margot are donzo—” I hesitate. Does Kitty still not know? I can’t remember if it’s still supposed to be a secret. “I mean now that Margot’s at college and they’re long distance . . .” #44 в контекст | | |
“I know they’re broken up,” Kitty says, making a lettuce wrap with just rice. “Margot told me over video chat.” #45 в контекст | | |
Across the table my dad makes a sad face and stuffs a piece of lettuce in his mouth. #46 в контекст | | |
Her mouth full, Kitty continues, “I just don’t see why we can’t still be friends with him. He’s all of our friend. Right, Daddy?” #47 в контекст | | |
“Right,” my dad agrees. “And look, relationships are incredibly amorphous. They could get back together. They could stay friends. Who’s to say what will happen in the future? I say we don’t count Josh out just yet.” #48 в контекст | | |
We’re finishing up dinner when I get another text from Josh. Never mind, it says. #49 в контекст | | |
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